My mother turned 90 this week. I had to search through many sappy cards to find one I liked. The card thanked my mom for many of my attributes that were due to her mothering. All were true…except one.
People who think they know me will be surprised to learn that I do not have confidence. I fake it so well.
My parents had high expectations for my sister and me. Failure was not an option. I remember expectations and support, but not encouragement. There was modeling and mentoring. I had a great childhood.
The bar was held high. No way around it nor beneath it. I am not resentful, just puzzled. I have never really thought about this.
I do what I am supposed to do because I have to. Over and over again, I fight fear and move forward. I have courage to do what needs to be done. All I must do is get over the fear first.
Fear, fight, forward… I distinctly remember the big fear fights. The first day of each school year was brutal. I am always over prepared for events. There is no winging it.
My husband is confident. It never occurs to him that he may not be able to do something. I have watched him do the impossible many times, with my help.
He plows ahead without pausing. I hold back and whimper before diving in. Is this fear of failure? But failure is not an option. I push and pull myself past that fear at each starting line.
I guess the results are the same. The improbable gets done in the end, after my fight with fear.
Oh! There is that four letter word again.
Confidence does not have fear first. That’s what I want. Where do I get it?