Mama Puts on Her Big Girl Pants

My pity party was short and sour.

I must suck it up and put on my big girl pants.

Rose is coming home tomorrow.

I must hide the elephant(fear) from her and be brave.

She is such a champ. I cannot let her see her mama being a wimp.

We have been here many times before.

I know my role quite well. Fake it ’til you make it.

Wish me luck.

Mama

The Crossing

The past has come back for a visit. Time has crossed itself.

Revisiting the past is very different from the past coming back.

Maybe it’s the PTSD talking. But I feel that I am being haunted.

I cannot write a THEN and NOW for the ‘Emergency Delivery’ chapter because THEN IS NOW.

It took me ten years to work up the courage to start our book, Seizure Mama and Rose. I took another ten to write terrible drafts. I needed to get far away from the reality to face what happened.

I do not want to be ‘Real-time Seizure Mama.’ That role belongs to Dave, Leigh Ann and Caleb’s mom. They are young, strong and brave. I am not these things. I am tired and damaged.

I just mustered up enough courage to face a past with epilepsy. Where the hell will I find the strength to face a future with it.

Don’t be mad. Don’t feel abandoned. Much has happened that I do not share.

I will be back. I do not know when.

I need to heal a bit.

We need hope. You got any to spare?

Flower

Back in the Water

I wanted to be the mother on the opposite shore of seizures, cheering the swimmers on.

But Rose is back in the water.

She had a seizure in spring after a death, another under stressful circumstances in September, then one after a shower last week. She was dazed for days. Her speech was slurred.

She says there’s a knot on the back of her head. She called EMS. She took her rescue meds.

What does a mother do when she is two and a half hours away from her endangered child?

I emailed every possible person who could help Rose. Yes, I was a pest.

I wracked my brain for a trigger. Found a suspect. More emails… more pestering.

Then I straitened up the epilepsy file cabinet, organized all epilepsy books, put four years worth of drug slips into a notebook by reverse date grouped by function.

Now what? What will I do with the rest of this fear?

Covid fear caused me to sew hundreds of masks and mail them to friends. That’s a lot of fear folks!

You know this fear. You know it will not be ignored.

I will find something productive to do with these waves of fear that keep me in the water.

There will be no peace for a while for Seizure Mama and Rose.

Flower

A Statue in Sylva

I had an inspiring weekend in a small town called Sylva. We stumbled upon this lovely park with a gorgeous statue.

An event was about to start so my camera and I had to rush to the scene. I was amazed by the strength portrayed in the sculpture of Harriet Tubman, her face so determined.

Harriet Tubman was about to be honored by a special service in Sylva. We could not stick around for it but I was happy to see this beautiful tribute to such a courageous woman.

I want to add here that many sources report that Harriet Tubman suffered from epilepsy. I thought it fortuitous that we stumbled upon this scene with our Rose. I hope she was as inspired as I was.

http://www.thesylvaherald.com/top_stories/article_6e02204a-1644-11ec-aadd-63c751b5e13c.html

Flower in Jackson County, NC

Reposted Chapter 16: Emergency Delivery

Rose was busy playing in our workshop, which has a concrete floor. Her dad and I were both busy with our own art and construction projects. Rose was making something of her own while standing at my workbench. She suddenly seized and fell to the floor between the workbench and the sink. Thankfully there was a large, but dirty, rug under her on the floor.
The first dose of her emergency medication did not stop the seizure. We waited a few minutes and then used the second syringe. Finally the convulsions stopped and she lay still on the floor. Our relief was short-lived. We realized that we now had no more emergency medication and it was a Friday afternoon.
I called our friend at the pharmacy and explained why needed more of Rose’s emergency medication as soon as possible. Unfortunately,this particular drug was not kept in stock because it was very expensive and had a short lifespan. It also had to be protected from temperature extremes. The pharmacist explained that the drug would have to be ordered and then delivered, which would take time.
He knew, just as we knew, that we may not have that kind of time. We could be in the middle of a status situation with nothing to save Rose. The pharmacist was thinking out loud when he offered that maybe he had some of a “dead girl’s medicine” at the other pharmacy. A dead girl’s medicine? We needed a dead girl’s medicine to save Rose. I was so stunned that I hung up the phone before I started crying.
We knew that Rose’s emergency bag with more medication was in the principal’s office. It was 4:30 on a Friday afternoon, but maybe someone would answer the phone. When I called the school’s office, the assistant principal answered. She and the guidance counselor were there wrapping Christmas gifts for needy children and their families in the community. We told her what we needed and that one of us would immediately come and get the big red bag. She offered to deliver the bag to us, so that we both could stay with Rose.
Here was one good person taking her time to do something helpful. What a blessing. We could relax. The drugs were on their way. Rose would be safe now. What a gift that was.

Seizure Mama speaks to parents:

Saved by the bag again. I cannot stress this enough. You must always be prepared for a seizure. It is the only way your family can carry on responsibly and safely. You have no choice about where the seizures occur, but you can make the choice to always be prepared.

I want to add here that SUDEP or death by seizure will always be in the back of your mind if your child has the tonic clonic/grand mal type of seizures. Hearing the pharmacist offer a dead girl’s medicine, first sent my mind to her poor family and then to the possibility of Rose’s death. No one wants to have these thoughts. There is no point in dwelling on such sadness.

Yes, living with epilepsy is like living with a terrorist or a time bomb. But none of us know what will happen in the future. Your life is now, with this precious child of yours, so live it now. I call it “nower.” It means the power of now. That’s all anyone has. Live now. Whatever will be, will be.

Rose Knows: Then and Now

(Chapter 15 of Seizure Mama and Rose reexamined)

No one welcomed epilepsy back into the family. We did not want it. We did not want the doctor’s appointments, we did not want the drugs, we did not want the side effects, the struggles, the limitations and most of all, the fear.

Epilepsy was back to claim pieces of our lives. It was back to take Rose’s independence. It was back to whittle away at all her hard-earned progress. She had been free. She had been thriving and growing.

What tricks would it play this time? What events would it ruin? Where would it throw her down to the ground? What would the new drugs do to her? These were the thoughts that swirled around in my mind. I wanted to reject this reality. We all wanted to deny epilepsy’s return. It would not let us. It refused to be ignored.

REJECTING REALITY?

We all have things that we want to reject. I did not know how much of this I did until recently. It seems I do battle with reality quite a bit. One of Rose’s many doctors referred to this as “shoveling sand against the tide.”

I have been shoveling sand throughout adulthood. I have fought the many things I did not want to accept. I have depleted myself trying to change the inevitable. What good has this done? None. It has been harmful.

This is where you come in Another Mother. You will be the best mother you can be to your fragile child. You will search for the best doctors and the best treatments. You will support your child to be his/her best. Then put your shovel down and rest.

This is not giving up. This is not defeat. This is acceptance. With acceptance comes peace.

I am going to have to accept quite a bit that I cannot change, epilepsy included. This is not the reality that I would have chosen for myself, but it is what it is. Life happened while I was planning other things. Wishing and shoveling will not change whatever is coming.

I am just going to let things happen.

I am putting my shovel down.

FLOW

Reposted Chapter 14: Rose Knows

We finally made it home from the hospital that Friday evening. Rose’s dad and grandfather headed back down the interstate in our truck to retrieve all my garden art from the booth of the show we had hurriedly abandoned that morning. Rose had been given a loaded dose of drug 3S in an IV. She slept on the way home. My parents came and stayed with me, my son and Rose so that we would not be alone after such a traumatic and exhausting day.
Rose slept for the first several hours. When she woke up and saw that it was dark, she realized that she was missing her friend’s birthday party and sleepover. She had been really looking forward to the event, even though we had warned her she could not spend the whole night. She cried about not being able to go to her friend’s house. I calmed her down and she went back to sleep. She slept in bed with me that night so I could keep an eye on her.
During the night, she woke up screaming “I want my lunch”. Rose usually packed her lunches for school and got to take a special lunch that she picked out herself on Fridays. She had awoken and realized that her special lunch had been left uneaten at school and would be ruined by Monday. She loudly repeated “I want my lunch.” over and over again for almost an hour like it was a mantra. I tried to calm her, but there was no consoling her. By the end of that hour, Rose and I were both hysterical.
I always tried very hard to not let Rose see me upset. We kept a brave face during most of her seizures. This time, I was truly scared that something had happened to her brain. I tried telling her we would get her a new special lunch for Monday, but I knew what she really wanted. She did not really want her lunch back. She wanted today back. I wanted today back, too. Rose knew she had epilepsy again. That awful nurse was right: it had never left us.
The little girl who had the party and her mama came to visit us the next day. They brought Rose a bag of goodies from the party. I always appreciate gestures like this. They mean so much.

Seizure Mama speaks to parents:

Your hearts will be broken over and over again. You must keep going. You must keep living with this enemy. You cannot let it steal your the life from you, your family, and most of all your child. Yes, it will knock your baby down, but you must help him/her right back up. Getting up is what is important.
Do not let epilepsy keep them down. Do not let it have an extra second of your lives. Epilepsy may steal minutes from days, but you can fight for the rest of the time. Make that your life- the time between. Make that time the best you can make it.

(We started calling this event the beginning of Phase II Epilepsy.)

Then and Now on Chapter 14: ER Again

I wish I did not have so much experience with Emergency Rooms.

Thankfully, Rose’s rescue medications kept us out of the ER for most status episodes. When we did make the trip, it was because of additional trauma. Some trips involved stitches, others included xrays.

I was always thankful for the support but did not like handing over control to strangers that did not know our history. I love finding empathy in the ER and loathe encountering arrogance. I have never handled being talked down to be an egotistical male well. My response is magnified by my fear as a mother.

I am sure no medical jerks read this blog, but maybe you can join me in combating this issue when it arises in your experiences. Big egos make bad choices due to an excess of self-confidence. Complain to their superiors after the fact. Be sure to record names and events.

Cool-headedness is needed in ERs, not big-headedness. I hope you never encounter this issue, but you probably will.

Seasoned Seizure Mama

Reposted Chapter 14: Emergency Room Again

There was quite a crowd in Rose’s room at the ER when we arrived. We learned one of our good friends from the school had ridden with her in the ambulance. This was a relief to me because I did not want Rose traumatized by waking up in an ambulance among strangers. Her teacher, Ms. S soon arrived with her usual dramatic flourish. She had us laughing within minutes. Ms. S admonished her little “Turkey Toes” for leaving class early. Another friend who happened to be volunteering as a Rainbow Reader in the classroom next to Rose’s came to check on us. I stepped out in the hallway to cry with her. She knew how hard this had been on our family in the past and understood what this meant to our future.
I took notes about everything that was done on the backs of the forms and envelope from my art show. My notes were a mess by the end, crumpled and tear stained, but I was thankful that we had that paper. Things happened so fast and needed to be written down. When Rose’s dad or I left to go to the restroom, the other took over the note taking. We learned to do this in the beginning. That way her parents and caregivers all stayed on the same page in terms of her treatment.
A male nurse blatantly asked me why this seizure was so upsetting to me. I started to explain that we had hoped that Rose had outgrown her childhood epilepsy. He flatly stated that epilepsy is not something that can be outgrown. A kick while you are down is never a good thing. I will always remember his name and his face.
I know this nurse was puzzled by my extreme sadness when Rose’s medical chart clearly stated she had epilepsy. This is the same hospital where she went had gone status after her tonsillectomy three years earlier. The details were all right there for her doctors and nurses to read. I am sure I was expected to be a seasoned seizure mama by this point. I am not sure there is such a thing.

Seizure Mama speaks to parents:

What was not in Rose’s charts was how much we wanted to believe epilepsy was behind us, the seizures, the drugs, the side effects, and the fear. That’s not something medical workers can read in charts. They do not see the full picture. The quick parade of patients does not allow them time for reflective thinking. I know that those handling constant emergency situations have to think quickly on their feet.
It reminds me of my years as a teacher, when I had so many children I didn’t know what to do. I was never enough at school. Then I would come home feeling too exhausted and stressed to be a wife and a mother. I respect the workers on the front lines at the hospital. But they, like teachers, cannot know all the details.
That said, no one can expect to be handled with kid gloves in the Emergency Room. We have been there many times. The medical workers gather data, assess the current situation and decide on an immediate treatment. This is “life in the fast lane.” We parents must pay attention, write everything down, and be nicely but firmly proactive.