I have learned to truly appreciate kindness as I get older. I have watched how important being kind to one another really is as the world has gotten more political and divisive.
As a mother, I always tried to teach my children to be kind. I encouraged gentleness with all living things. I guided them to be quiet and respectful with old people. I wanted my children to make the world a better place.
Meanwhile, I modeled something quite different. I am angry. My plans for myself and my daughter have been high-jacked by epilepsy. My career was side-tracked. My retirement was greatly reduced. I became a prop in Rose’s world. This was my doing. I thought that if I gave up more…she would have more. But that is not how the world works.
My anger seeped out while Rose was watching, since we were always together. It was usually not directed and her, but I feel somehow she knew that my rage was related to her. We were tethered together for months at a time while the seizures were at their worst.
I modeled meanness. I yelled at other drivers. I growled under my breath in stores. I threw things. I used profanity.
Rose was watching and listening. I had mentored my children correctly, but my modeling was horrific. Do as I say, not as I do?
Rose is a good person. She is kind. When she spews anger, I see myself and I am ashamed.
Do not do as I have done, Another Mother.