A Forced Hand

(THEN and NOW for Chapter 21: The Painful Appointment/Past Time for a Change)

Being proactive takes confidence. I had none at this point. I did not have a clue what to do.

But I did know what not to do, which is what we had been doing. We were poisoning Rose to try to stop her seizures. She was disappearing and they were still with us.

I remember the slaw and the spork. I remember Rose’s pale face and shaky hands. The day was painful, the appointment was excruciating.

I still had a tiny spark of fire deep inside my watered down and drowning mama-self. That spark flamed up as I watched Rose struggle to sit up and put food in her mouth. Something had to change. I had to do something.

It does not matter whether the fire lit was fear or love. What mattered was that it forced my scared self back up to that office to shakily whisper what I needed for my baby. (Rose was nine.)

That spark grew as I contemplated what to say in that waiting room. By the time we got to meet with the doctor again, my forced hand was on fire. Yes, I was intimidated. But change was necessary. New drugs? New doctor? No matter. It was Past Time for a Change!