(Chapter 15 of Seizure Mama and Rose reexamined)
No one welcomed epilepsy back into the family. We did not want it. We did not want the doctor’s appointments, we did not want the drugs, we did not want the side effects, the struggles, the limitations and most of all, the fear.
Epilepsy was back to claim pieces of our lives. It was back to take Rose’s independence. It was back to whittle away at all her hard-earned progress. She had been free. She had been thriving and growing.
What tricks would it play this time? What events would it ruin? Where would it throw her down to the ground? What would the new drugs do to her? These were the thoughts that swirled around in my mind. I wanted to reject this reality. We all wanted to deny epilepsy’s return. It would not let us. It refused to be ignored.
We all have things that we want to reject. I did not know how much of this I did until recently. It seems I do battle with reality quite a bit. One of Rose’s many doctors referred to this as “shoveling sand against the tide.”
I have been shoveling sand throughout adulthood. I have fought the many things I did not want to accept. I have depleted myself trying to change the inevitable. What good has this done? None. It has been harmful.
This is where you come in Another Mother. You will be the best mother you can be to your fragile child. You will search for the best doctors and the best treatments. You will support your child to be his/her best. Then put your shovel down and rest.
This is not giving up. This is not defeat. This is acceptance. With acceptance comes peace.
I am going to have to accept quite a bit that I cannot change, epilepsy included. This is not the reality that I would have chosen for myself, but it is what it is. Life happened while I was planning other things. Wishing and shoveling will not change whatever is coming.
I am just going to let things happen.
I am putting my shovel down.