Chapter 12: Expecting and Accepting always brings up a toxic cocktail of emotions for me. I did not want to accept that side effects would be a hard to swallow pill adjoined to the medications. I still have trouble making peace with Rose’s losses. I wanted epilepsy gone, I wanted the side effects gone and I wanted my Rose restored to her full potential. Hurdles kept popping up due to her hearing loss, seizures and medications.
I wanted to be the bulldozer in her path, clearing the way for her to be the little super girl she was before. I was not going to give that up without a fight. But who does a mother do battle with when the enemy is inside her child?
I could have targeted her school, her doctors, her former friends. But what would be gained by adding an angry mother to Rose’s list of problems? So I plastered a smile on my face and ignored what I could. If I seemed normal maybe Rose would be accepted by proxy.
Fake it ’til you make it only gets one so far. Reality slaps sense into even the densest of us eventually. Rose was drowning and we were standing at the edge of the water cheering and expecting the butterfly stroke.
I must forgive this young, prideful, ambitious mother. I will shed the shame of unmet expectations and broken dreams. One must create a masterpiece with the materials at hand, not wait for better elements to work with.
Rose will be Rose with or without epilepsy. I must accept the reality of her life. I must accept the tolls this disease taken on her, her brother, her father and her mother. It is what it is. We will do our best with what we have. No blame. No shame. Moving forward with epilepsy in the side car so it cannot steer.
I must forgive myself for my ignorance and inexperience. I must forgive this disease for taking things from us all. I am going to kick angst to the curb and get on with my life as best I can.
Dear Another Mother, you need to do likewise.