Rose is away at college, but the fear is still here.
I foolishly thought that it would leave when she left.
That she would take it with her, but I was wrong.
I was unaware of this until a friend pointed it out…
that I gasped “Oh, no.” every time the phone rang during our visit.
My phone rang while I was shopping yesterday.
This fear did not leave because she did.
It is still here.
It does not belong to her.
It is my own.
It happened again. This time in Food Lion.
I was standing at the checkout, when a loud crash startled everyone.
I held myself in place. Fighting the instinct to run
toward the sound.
It was NOT Rose falling. She was standing beside me.
This was NOT an emergency.
No 911 call for the dropped watermelons.
No blood on the floor, only red juice.
No need to run toward this crash.
She is safe by your side.
Stand still. Breathe.
My life has been funneled to this task.
It is almost like I am not allowed to start anything else.
I feel like Jonah running from God.
Jonah did not want to go to Nineveh. I do not want to write this book.
I have PTSD, for goodness sake. Must I relive this trauma?
Yes. Because you are out there. Feeling like the sky is falling.
And I understand your pain. I know your fear. I know your loneliness.
If I turn my back on my past and try to forget this experience,
I am turning my back on you.
I cannot do that. Whoever you are.
I am here.
God bless us both.